The Kundalini Session

I would not have signed up for this Kundalini Yoga session if I knew I had to do all these weird things. No, not even for the fact that it’s totally free-of-charge.

I was having a soft break down when my 2-week home visiting trip turned into an indefinite one as Covid-19 turned into a global pandemic. This phenomenal of a ‘lockdown’ where everyone is highly encouraged to stay home seems to make my mother the happiest person against the dismay of everyone else in the family. She now could justify why any of her kids should never leave the ‘comfort’ of home. It was just before the city was locked down that her needs to control became extremely strong. With 4 years of total freedom away from home, I had a very hard time coming to terms with it.

So I signed up for the first spiritual event in town that appealed to me.

We gather in a cozy event space in an artistic co-working space with a cafe and art gallery. The multi-national crowds gather around this young and strikingly beautiful musician-healer. Her smile was so charming and deadly sweet it made my heart ache a little. She was the lead for the evening. Our guru.

For this Kundalini yoga session, we were to shake for 15 mins, dance randomly for 15 mins, stand still for 15 mins, then lie down to enjoy the Gong sound bath for the last 15 mins. Simple, but to me, it’s extremely strange. Oh well, spiritual activities never failed to surprise me with all its weirdness. Damn it, who the hell would shake and dance. I hate dancing, let alone in front of so many people. By the time the description of what we would be doing was told, I can no longer escape.

So I started shaking.

15 mins of continuous shaking aren’t something you do every day. I had to really focus on trying to get the rhythm and posture right to avoid injury and maintain a somewhat graceful shaking manner in case anyone decided to open their eyes and peek at me. After shaking for a while, there was this sense of separation. I realized that I wasn’t shaking. I was inside, observing the body shake. When I said harder, it shook harder. When I said softer, it shook softer.

Heck, That was interesting. But I wasn’t prepared for what was waiting for me around the corner.

When we started dancing to the strange, flowing, vibrational music, I started seeing many different pleasant sceneries in my mind’s eyes. I slipped into this half-dreaming trance state. The ocean, the forest, the trees, all this beautiful nature.

Then I saw my island. My home.

In that state, I knew instantly it was my home that I had longed for my entire life. The home I had always seek endlessly, in vain. Because it is not of this world, not on Earth. A pang of homesickness rose up to my throat. Tears poured down my face. I missed home so much. Oh, so so much. In agony, I asked fervently ‘When can I get home? How much longer do I have to be here on Earth for?’

A voice answered.

It was in English which is not my mother tongue. It flew in, effortlessly and gently, just like that time when I was under hypnosis regression with Dr. Brian Weiss. A calm, gentle, and loving voice which was also clear and wise – my own voice – said:

If you only see the love that has always been and will always be around you, in that instant, you will be home.

At that instant, in that split second of divine download, I understood why I had to be born on Earth, along with my life’s mission.

I am to be here to learn to see the love,
to feel the love,
to become the love,
and to share the love.

True love is not something easily understood. Not anymore in this ‘civilized’ world we live in. We were so distracted by the fancy things which are often unnecessary and toxic to our body and soul. We no longer see each other for who we really are.

For love can only be true when it’s selfless. True love is compassion. To have compassion, one needs to understand the subject’s strengths, hope, aspirations, along with to her pain, and traumas. To understand, one needs to look closely and objectively.

This lightening realization changed my perspective in life. It was the second time in my life, a higher being directly communicated with me. Similar to the first, this experience transformed me and brought me to another state of being. More than ever, I now know that everything in life happened for a reason. The fact that Covid broke out and stranded me in Bangkok has led me to this spiritual experience which brought about another life-long breakthrough. I now strongly believe all the pains and difficulties are only here to help push us toward the direction that we suppose to go.

My life-long depression which strongly related to homesickness and the sense of not belonging has dissipated for a good extent. And I do believe that it will dissipate entirely once I train myself to be in the vibration of love just like the voice had guided me.

I am truly grateful for the gift of life. And evermore grateful for the love and support along my human journey. If you’re reading this, please know that you’re always be loved and supported. It’s all about how you view the world and to educate yourself on how this world actually works. To learn to see the hidden and not-so-hidden signs of love, wisdom, and connectedness of us all. Let all of us bring about the new world filled with love and brightest light.

Blessed

This morning Zoey woke up in a big house with yards and gardens. The house was designed and built by her grandfather many decades ago. Many pieces of elaborated furniture were ordered from abroad, collected through times for her grandpa had the love for decorations. The walls were lined with windows after windows, and the floor was a smooth polished wood. Big trees stood tall by the front porch, and flowers bloom in the garden tended by her brother who had the love for botany. The house was always cool and pleasant.

First thing in the morning, Zoey would drink lime water.

The lime was seedless and juicy. It refreshed her as well as flushing out the toxin in her body. The birds were singing outside and the kids were gathering next door at the kindergarten. She drank the rest of the zesty lime water and went upstairs to get ready.

Today she picked a white cotton blouse trimmed with lace. The fabric was so light it kept her perfectly cool in her country’s tropical weather even though it was designed across the world away in Spain. She loved to pair it with her favorite pair of washed denim she got from a different city.

She picked a small piece of heart-shaped studded earrings designed by a local designer and wear a beautiful golden swiss-made watch given to her by a European lover. She took her Macbook pro bought with a favored-discount from a previous mentor and packed it in a beautiful blue rucksack given to her as a gift.

When all is ready and packed, she drove out of the house on her father’s white German-made leisure car with a tank readily-filled with gas. Many cars gave way as the double-door coupe cruised powerfully and gracefully. The drive was short as her house was located so close to the newest luxury shopping mall where she treated her friend and herself to four cakes and two sets of tea. The refreshments were complimentary for the owners of privileged credit card given to her by a relationship manager managing her father’s investment portfolio.

After the meeting, she picked up a cup of cappuccino and sat on a perched balcony with a cool breeze and a panoramic river view. The sun was about to set and the buildings were glowing in coral color.

After she finished her journal, she would get home to play with her favorite dogs who were always happy to see her. They were mostly taken care of by the guards, so she didn’t have to worry about walking them or feeding them. Then she would have dinner with her grandfather and her aunt at a restaurant full of delicious food, or she would cook vegetables for herself using the stack in the fridge. If her brother was there, they both could go out to eat at a nearby restaurant.

And sometimes Zoey wondered why others were so privileged.

We were meant to fall in love

Have you ever sit in a cafe reading,
Or been engrossed in a deep conversation with your friend
And then, without thinking, you unexplainably turned 180 degree
And look right into the eyes of a stranger who has been observing you from across the room?
Caught staring red-handed, the person look away, embarrassed
And you resumed what you were doing, not even questioning how in the world you instinctively detect and identify a secret admirer 10 meter away, in an angle impossible for your eyes to see?

Recently, I met a man who helped me redefine the term ‘energetic connection’ entirely.
…
That morning I awoke to this sense of pulling.
The invisible pulling of unexplained connection
before any conscious common sense were allowed to set in
The first thing I did was to turn over to look at him
because I knew exactly where he was

And right at that moment, his eyelid fluttered open
His blue eyes gaze right into mine
As if he knew exactly where I was

And in that instant I knew that whatever force that command my body to feel this connection and turned, the same force has commanded him to felt my presence and open his eyes too.

…

 

We are two people with our own characters and personalities.
I feel drained when meeting many people, while he feels energized
I like to eat healthy while he doesn’t really pay attention to what he eats
I sometimes enjoy a glass of wine, while he does not drink
I am not ready to settle down, while he wants four kids
I like to keep my body fit, while he cared more about colorful clothes

But somehow we were meant to fall in love.

 

The first time we met, I remembered thinking his voice was distinctive, but I did not feel we need to meet again. He did not feel any special connection neither.

The second time, we walked across half the city. For some strange reason, he felt something unexplainable when my fingers brushed his in a coffee shop. And for some stranger reason, it was really late in to the night when I could bring myself to call a taxi home. We spent 6 hours from eighth to two in the morning, just stroll around the city. The night was warm and beautiful.

The third time, our hands touched. And when his hand hold mine, the sense of connection was so strong. I can feel the familiar pulse of energy pass through my body just like when the electricity starts to flow when the circuit is closed. Something told me ‘Finally, we met’ and tears rolled down from my eyes. When we made love, my head was half in the cloud. I saw hundreds of colors and random scenes running through my mind’s eye as if I was dreaming.

I met him in the midst of Summer, and here we are in the midst of Winter. The journey has been far from smooth. He has always been patient, loving, supportive, and hopelessly romantic. Sometimes, he’s stubborn, opinionated, unyielding, and self-centered.

I’m growing more and more strong-willed, and self-believed. Sometimes, I’m impatient and I need to be alone. Other time, I am playful and loving.

Who are we for each other and what will we become? What are the lessons we suppose to teach each other, and how far shall we share our journey?

I wish I could have a glimpse to see it all.

Until then…

Energy Transfer? Real or Fake?

‘No, that was too easy. Let’s try again.’ He said. ‘Good, hold your hand out. Close your eyes, now I will swipe my hand pass yours. Tell me when you feel my hand above yours.’

Holding my right hand up straight with my palm down, I closed my eyes. Trying to concentrate on all my senses. I just shared with my best friend the theory of energy transfer, and I don’t want to be disappointed by our little experiment.

‘Ok, here we go’

I did not tell him when I felt his hand above mine. My eyes flew open in shock at that split second, and I saw his hand directly above mine.

I did not only feel his hand above mine. But I felt his energy ran through it, traveled up my upper body and landed between my brows, so strongly that my eyes snapped open with shock. The transfer happened in a split second. But the sensation was very strong. There was no mistake. Some form of invisible force was sent from my friend to me.

‘What the hell was that !?’

I explained to my friend what I just experienced. It was so fascinating that I wanted to try again. My friend said that he knew that it would be a success, but he wasn’t so sure he can do that again if we tried. So we concluded that energy transferring is real.

We tried this experiment in a sushi place in a shopping mall’s food court. My friend is not a medium, psychic, or a healer. But I’ve always felt that he is different from most people.

I later discovered in the book ‘Reiki for Life’ that the ‘Third Eye’ or ‘Brow’ chakra located between every person’s eye brows, exactly where I felt my friend’s energy the strongest, is the point used to sense… well…energy.

Later on when I met Reiki masters and I get to run my hands through their channeling hands, I would feel the warmth and vibration on my hand, which sometimes travel up my body and land between my eye brows.

I spent many months arguing with myself after I discovered the concept of Empathetic ability. I turned my back to books about reincarnation because something inside me screamed out that the concept was very real, and I was afraid to lose touch with reality.

Now at this point, I knew that I am a sensitive who perceives energy a bit easier than most people. I knew that Third Eye chakra is probably real. What else out there about spirituality is real? Or at least what else that I have the courage to believe that they are real. I’m still on my little journey to discover what’s really within all of us.

The power of visualization

It was often during my short naps that the dreams were most vivid.

Today, it happened during an afternoon nap. Warm and snuggly in my partner’s arm, I fell smoothly into a vivid, peculiar dream.

I found myself in a large room housing a gigantic architecture model of a large building structure. The model was so large that it took up almost the space of the entire room, leaving a comfortable, naturally lit path around it for visitors to walk around and observe. It was all in white, with tall walls covering up the details within. I wasn’t sure what the structure was. It could be a power plant, a large factory, or even a small town.

As when I was circling the structure curiously, I’ve noticed the presence of another person (or even two) in that room. He was a man at least in his 60s, with grey hair and tall, slim physique. Wise and knowing. Somehow, I knew he was my guide.

As I observe the structure, trying to figure out its purpose, I’ve noticed that there was a canal that snake around the outer wall of the structure. The canal was so well built that it felt almost real to me. When I shared the thought with my guide, he gently urged me to take a closer look.

The small stream that was supposed to be a model, was actually real.

As I realized that, I was transferred, almost sucked, into that stream. Like how Doraemon would use Gulliver beam light to shirk people before embarking on an adventure. Surfing wondrously, I’ve realized that I am within myself, dreaming vividly.

Comfortable, and in control, I knew that I might be able to control my dream. That was when I decided to try Dr. Brian Weiss’s technique, to try to visit my past life. I have not got to the part of his book where he guides the visualization technique for the past life regression, but I knew bits and pieces of some techniques from the other books. One of them was to visualize going into a library, and finding the book with your name on it, and open it up.

With my less-than-informed knowledge, I try to visualize the book with my name on it. But I was so rushed that I did not have the patient to visualize the bookshelf or the book with my name on the cover. My next scene was me holding up an already opened book.

Nothing happened.

Desperate, I willed my name to be written on one of the pages I was observing. And there it appeared, larger than the text that surrounded it, was my name, big and bold. I begin to read, and I was sucked into the book.

Delighted, I happily let myself transferred into the book, hoping I would catch a glimpse of something that would be interesting. I was greeted with an obscure scene of a skyline. An orange-red skyline where I saw silhouettes of a short tower and a few small buildings covered in threes. I could not really make out the clear view, the sky was red with either dawn or dusk, rendering all the buildings and trees black against it. The time felt older. Whether or not, it was the obscurity of the scene, I felt alarmed.

That was when I got scared.

I’ve always had an issue with sleep paralysis. My mind would be conscious but scarily trapped in my own body that I would then, lost control of. Hallucination is common if I let fear takes control.

Afraid of being trapped, I decided to pull myself out, willing to wake up. To my surprise, I did not have to struggle or fight my way to the surface of consciousness like when sleep paralysis plagued me. The waking up was simple enough. Just a command to myself, I was pulled out of the scene.

The strange thing was the length of the process.

Contrary to the normal waking up process, where I naturally came to consciousness in a split second, this one feels far longer. I felt myself getting pulled out of the dream. Fly through a tunnel, passing multiple layers of spaces that opened up to let me through and closed down after I was through. Finally, I arrived back on the warm bed, with the bell from the bell tower somewhere, still ringing in my ears.

Afterwards, my partner told me I was mumbling in my sleep.

So my attempt to try and take a peek into my past life without proper info was quite unsuccessful. But my little lucid dream adventure where I get to play a director of my own dream was curiously enjoyable!

The theory for the Empathy.

Warning: this story might be dark and full of pain. Careful when low energy.

When I was growing up, my father has always been verbally abusive. He would scream at me and my brothers at the top of his lungs, for the smallest mistakes that we may or may not have done. His face would flush red with anger, eyes tearful with madness, his body stiff and tense for every word he let out. I remembered us fleeing from the dinner table most of the time we heard his car coming into the driveway. We hid in our rooms, wanting nothing to do with him. To these days, when I visit home, I still tense up ever time he enters the dining room in the evening. He was, and still is, a walking unstable explosive that could get detonated by a slightest stimulant.

I fend for myself. When I am in my father’s presence, I’ve made it a habit to ‘probe’ him. I would greet him with a cheerful tone. Ask him light question such as ‘Have you eaten?’ or just ‘Hello dad’. His answer or lack of answer will give me the first hint of his current state of mind. Next, I would listen to his foot steps, the sound when he wash his hands, and his body languages when he joined in the dining table. All the time, I would will all my senses available to perceive and analyse to decide whether or not, I should flee.

I have a theory that this childhood experience is the reason why I am receptive of other people’s energy, especially the closest ones. My partner once asked me ‘How come you are so good at reading people’. Even before I came to know the concept of an Empath, I shared this theory with him.

A lot of Empath believe that their ability are either passed on genetically by their empathetic parents, or gained as a result of an abusive or neglected childhood. This might be true.

For the most part, I do not hold my father to be at fault. I do not know the reason of his anger, as communication has proven very difficult. I know that deep down in his heart, his love toward me exist and that he is helpless against his anger. A lot of time, my heart goes out to him, desperate to help. I hope that one day, I could lead both my parents to peace and happiness.

 

 

 

Is there such a thing as an Empath?

It was also in my dorm room, the second time that I googled the question up again. ‘Why am I so effected by people’s emotion?’ And I got the same answer.

This time, rather than ditching the possibility that sounds very much like scifi-fantasy fiction, I chose to find out more.

I googled up more articles, join Facebook community, and bought a kindle book to read. It seems that the things I have found strange about me during my whole life, are not so strange at all. Those traits are shared and are completely normal among Empaths.

The first time ever that I was able to detect a foreign energy in my body, was my most recent visit to Bangkok for the October holiday. I met up with an ex that has turned into a good friend for a good fusion pizza at Jamie Oliver’s in the city center. It happened twice. First time in the shopping mall, and again while we were alone in my car heading somewhere I can’t remember.

I felt a sudden sexual urge toward my ex lover. It suddenly occur to me that I want to kiss him. It was sudden, out of nowhere, and foreign but at the same time hot and real. A few second after, the urge died. I felt guilty and was internally scolding myself for being so tactless and inappropriate.

It occurs to me shortly after that the urge might not be mine at all. I did not have the courage to ask until a month later when I was already back in my city. My ex was nothing if not honest and understanding. He admitted that he still have sexual urge towards me every time he saw me.

While I assured him that it’s totally okay, I am now quite sure that this is the first time in my life that I successfully detected a foreign energy that I absorbed from others.

Tonight while I was walking in the metro, on the way back to my place. There were a lot of people to walk pass as usual. It was sudden. I walk pass a couple of people, we exchange glances, I felt their eyes on me, and I feel the familiar anxiety that crept up to me from behind, from the direction of those people. The anxiety was creeping up, heavy and gripping.

I remember the shielding technique from the Facebook community, and quickly throw up my mirror shields. In that instant, the grip released, the anxiety subsided, and I’m light again. It was a strange experience, I was very glad the shielding work. I’m not even sure if the anxiety came from within me or from those people. But the technique worked!

The anxiety that creeps up to me every time I exchanged glances with strangers on the street was so common to me that I thought it was purely me being nervous of being looked at. Today’s experience suggested a new possibility that the anxiety might not occur within me. Only a possibility. But possibility that will lead to more experiment and more discoveries. If this possibility ended up not right, I can still keep this mirror shielding technique up my sleeve for the next anxious occasion.

Until next time, keep learning.

First blog, for all the new discoveries to come

It’s a Sunday night in autumn 2017.
It has been 1 year and 8 months since I moved here.
So many things I have discovered within me in such a short period of time.
I know myself a little more every day.
And this blog is my journal to record all those I found,
and more yet to be discovered.

Hello my future me, I know you will come back to this sooner or later.
No matter what you are right then,

remember that on this earth,
there are things about you, have yet to be discovered.

First blog post

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